


1, 2, 3.

by icanexplain



Series: things i wrote in the notes app [2]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: And she gets it, BIG TRIGGER WARNING FOR THAT, Changing Tenses, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Michelle Jones Needs a Hug, No Smut, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, all her stuff is kind of in the background, among other things, background abusive family for flash :(, basically i made characters hurt because projecting is a fun thing to do, flash thompson is the best, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23567803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icanexplain/pseuds/icanexplain
Summary: after mj goes to the hospital in the middle of the school day, peter spirals. flash helps him.[rated M for pretty graphic depictions of self-harm, dissociation and panic attacks]
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker & Flash Thompson, Peter Parker/Flash Thompson
Series: things i wrote in the notes app [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603954
Comments: 4
Kudos: 91





	1, 2, 3.

**Author's Note:**

> surprise! i'm still sad and still projecting onto peter. sorry dude.  
> this was written a while ago because of something that happened involving me and a friend of mine, and i only got round to finishing it recently because i'm procrastinating other things (coughvoltroncough) and because lockdown has given me some time  
> as with my other spiderman-based ventfic, i'm sorry if anyone who follows boys, falling sees this and gets mad i'm not updating - well, i am writing, and as u can see from the look of this fic, i am not doing so well (what's new?), so sorry again :/  
> also any discord-based friends - sorry i disappeared into the aether, i'm still alive just not doing so well :) hope ur good
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNINGS for pretty graphic depictions of self-harm (no blood); descriptions of panic attacks, dissociative episodes, and irrational/harmful thoughts; mentioned strangulation; implied abusive family and alcohol problems**
> 
> please stay safe! lmk of grammar mistakes (except for the lack of capital letters), i wrote most of this on a bus in february  
> see if u can spot where i started writing it today

peter stares at his hands.

his fingernails are long.

he remembers yesterday. mj, disappearing in the middle of the school day. him and ned, tracking her phone and finding her in the hospital. the two of them, with help from flash, calling and texting her frantically, uselessly.  
her finally, finally picking up.  
the things she told peter. that her self-harming habit got a bit far the night before, and she almost - almost - strangled herself - and she’d gone to the hospital to make sure there wasn’t any lasting damage. she was fine now, she had already scheduled a therapist appointment that day, everything - like _that_ \- had been removed from her room.

he feels an itch.

he knows he shouldn’t scratch it.

mj asked him not to tell anyone, not even ned or flash. _of course_ , he replied, _don’t worry,_ _i’m just glad you’re getting help_. he felt her smile through the phone and was happy for a minute that he seemed to have done some good.  
he told ned and flash that she was okay now, she was safe and would be having follow-up appointments (not really a lie, but not the whole truth). ned pushed a bit further, but peter stood his ground: he’d promised not to say anything.  
flash said nothing, just gave peter a look and held his hand.  
that had grounded him.

aunt may isn’t home yet. she‘s out buying dinner. she’ll be home in 30 minutes, maybe.

peter looks at his wrists.

this morning, mj got a big hug from ned, worry obvious in all of their faces. she smiled and pretended everything was okay, quietly telling ned she didn’t want to talk about it.  
she hugged peter and thanked him. he tried very hard not to cry.

he tries to cry. that would make it pass, right?

nothing happens.

flash, eugene wasn’t dumb. peter didn’t understand why everything felt sideways - mj was fine, she was right there, laughing about ned’s attempt to draw a classmate in crisis. flash held him close and whispered, _what’s going on?_  
peter shrugged with one shoulder and leant into his side. mj looked at peter across the table. peter smiled at her, but they both knew she would see past it. he didn’t even know what was wrong, but mj probably would tell him anyway.  
she didn’t.  
peter blinked and the bell rang.  
flash gave him one last worried look as they separated to go to class, mouthing _call me_.  
instead, peter texted him _idk why im like this rn, sorry_  
only seconds later came the reply: _okay, just lmk if u need anything or wanna talk abt smth xxx_

_don’t text and drive!! talk later, love u xx_   
_i’m not!! love you too xx_

peter stares at the words on the screen. they blur in and out of focus, not like he was underwater, more like frosted glass is being passed before him.

he taps the contact’s name.

the phone button is right there.

his wrist is right there.

after school, peter said bye to ned and hugged mj extra hard. they had a short silent conversation, and she smiled. he tried to smile back sincerely, and he thought it worked, because she seemed satisfied.  
he watched her walk away towards the subway station. ned gave him a look - could people stop looking at him like that? - and patted his shoulder, saying _text me if you need me, bro, okay?_  
peter smiled again and nodded. ned walked away too.  
he sat down on the stairs opposite flash’s class and waited for it to finish. too many thoughts swirled around his head, there but not quite - none of them made sense, and he couldn’t hang onto one for long enough to understand it. he frowned and pulled out his phone in an attempt to distract himself.  
it didn’t work.  
instead he pulled his legs up and brought his arms around them, leaning his head on top and staring into nothingness, in the general direction of the classroom door.  
after what felt like an eternity, it opened and students started filing out, none giving him a second glance.  
except one.  
flash saw him right away.  
 _hey_ , he said. _thanks for waiting for me._  
peter raised his head and smiled a small smile as flash sat down next to him. he leaned forwards and kissed him lightly.  
flash kissed him back. peter momentarily remembered how different this flash was to the flash last year. this flash was infinitely better.  
this flash moved away first and brought his hand up to peter’s face. _what’s going on?_ , he repeated.  
peter could only shut his eyes, shake his head and shrug slightly in response. flash shuffled closer and held him.  
 _nonverbal?_ he asked. peter hugged him back. flash hummed an okay and they stayed like that a little while longer. he tried to think of what could make peter feel better, or if he could find a way they could talk about it. whatever _it_ was.

what would he even do? what could he do?

is peter expecting him to just make everything okay again?

phone in his hand.

first scratch on his wrist.

people have worse problems.

second.

mj does. flash does. ned does.

third.

he shouldn’t call, couldn’t call, when other people are hurting too.

fourth.

his problems are his to deal with, nobody else needs to worry.

fifth, sixth, seventh,

he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. don’t want to make them worry.

ninth? tenth? too many to count, yet,

he’s in over his head, phone on the bed, screen still lit, begging to be clicked, but he shouldn’t, he couldn’t, he can’t-

when flash dropped peter off at his house, he was speaking a bit again. they hadn’t talked about anything, mostly because peter said he didn’t know what was going on. that made flash want to stay with him the whole night, just in case. but peter said he’d call him if he needed to, and may was there, and he knew flash hadn’t been home in a few days.  
flash trusted him.  
and he knew peter was right. his father would have gotten back from his ‘business trip’ yesterday, so in his eyes flash had only been gone one night, which was fine and easy to explain away. another night, especially straight after his father came back, would seem suspicious. like he was avoiding home. which of course, he was, but his parents couldn’t know that or everything would get worse.  
so flash kissed him goodbye and hoped the one he loved would be okay.  
he thought of an excuse to use on his father as he drove away.  
peter watched him leave, smile still on his face.  
he grabbed his phone, _don’t text and dri_ |

too many, too many,

he grabs his phone.

his vision blurs, again, so that it all looks doubly as bad.

he shouts at the bully in his head to _shut the fuck up!_

he presses the call button, speakerphone.

the call connects.

“hello? peter?”

everything suddenly feels real.  
his skin burns with his actions.

the tears finally start falling.

“peter? if you don’t reply i’m coming over there right now.”  
he can’t breathe. he tries, and an aborted sound escapes instead.  
“oh, god, okay, peter? breathe with me. in for 3 - 1, 2, 3, hold… and out, 1, 2, 3. and again-”  
peter concentrates on the numbers. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.

the numbers stop. he can breathe.

“perfect, keep going, okay babe? i’m coming to you anyway, clearly may isn’t home right now. just give me, like, 10 minutes or so-” the sound of keys being picked up. “-my father’s already out cold anyway, slipped something in his beer- fuck-” peter closes his eyes and imagines flash walking around his house, trying to grab keys and put his shoes on one-handed. he smiles, despite it all, and a tear rolls off his cheek onto his arm.  
it burns like acid.  
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.  
“okay, traffic doesn’t look so bad so make it 5 minutes. i know you’re thinking it - i won’t be speeding because that could get me stopped and slow me down. and i don’t want that. okay-” a door clicks shut and the scuffling sound of flash running down stairs fills peter’s room. “-almost to the car. you’re gonna hear a crackle or maybe silence when i get there because my phone will connect to the bluetooth, but i’m still here, okay?”  
peter nods, remembers flash can’t see him, and croakily whispers an “okay”.  
“breathing alright?” flash asks. peter checks. “i think so,” he replies.  
“i’m gonna go through the numbers again in a second, i just need to get to the-” the sound of a car unlocking is the last thing peter hears as the sound reroutes. the few seconds in silence put him on edge again.

“-hear me? peter?”  
he manages to hum in response.  
“cool, okay, breathe in, 1, 2, 3, hold…” the engine starts and the regular click of the indicator cuts through the new noise. “1, 2, 3, and out, 1, 2, 3. in, 1, 2, 3-” peter focuses, again, on flash’s voice and the numbers. his breathing gets back to normal. he goes to wipe away the salt on his face, but raising his arm puts his wrist in view and his breath hitches again.  
1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.  
“almost there, babe. do you wanna talk or just keep counting?”  
“um,” peter coughs painfully. “can you talk?”  
“of course,” flash says. peter’s love for this boy overwhelms him for a second, before ebbing back to its normal undercurrent. “i can describe what’s around me? nothing’s changed in my car since i dropped you off, but i’m thinking of getting a new freshener because this one’s not doing anything anymore. i can see stark tower - it’s really pretty right now, kind of like you, the moon is glinting off the letters.”  
peter closes his eyes and smiles. he really loves flash. he sees the tower in his mind’s eye, sees flash in his car and the moon lighting him up in a soft, beautiful way. these have been such long minutes.  
“your favourite bodega’s closed a bit early today, i wonder why.”  
“he needs to take his cat to the vet’s,” peter whispers. “she was getting sick.”  
“i love it that you remember little details like that, you’re so caring and attentive to others,” the _you should care about yourself more_ is left out, but peter hears it anyway. he doesn’t know what to think about it so he tries not to. “oh hey, there’s your block, and a convenient space. maybe the universe wants me here too.”  
in the quietest of undertones, “i want you here.”  
“i want to be here.”

the line crackles for a couple seconds and peter knows he’s getting out of the car.  
“should i take the fire escape?”  
“no, too loud.”  
“okay, i’ve got your spare key anyway.” the familiar sound of flash pushing the front door, the one with the broken lock that the landlord couldn’t be bothered to replace, and his footsteps up the stairs. “how are you holding up?”  
“better now that you’re almost here,” peter replies truthfully.  
there’s silence for a bit, before flash whispers, “ew, there’s a dead rat in the trap. that’s so gross.” peter snorts. this could be normal. “please tell me it wasn’t there this morning.”  
“do you want me to lie to you?”  
“oh my god, ewww.” flash’s footsteps speed up. peter laughs quietly.  
“there’s your door, where did i put the key…” there’s a ruffling of fabric as flash searches for the key in his pockets. peter realises that flash is going to actually see him in this state and starts to panic a little. he must have made a noticeable sound because flash says, “i’m not going to judge you for whatever you look like, okay?” peter makes a worried sound. “peter, i love you and i don’t care what you were doing or what you look like. i just want to make sure you’re okay and that anything bad doesn’t happen again.”  
peter swallows. how did he get so lucky? the universe really did work in strange ways if his old bully makes him think like this now.  
the key turns in the lock. he hears it both through the phone and through the door to his room.  
then his door is opening and his phone screen is going black and flash is right there.

the tears start up again, old salt replaced by new.

flash just holds him as he cries a wet patch into his shoulder, gently rubbing up and down his back. peter tries to bring his arms up to steady himself on flash, but the movement burns a little and he jolts back.

he’s compelled to look down. he doesn’t want to.

“hey,” cold hands on his face, on his cheeks. flash looks him in the eyes, holding his gaze away from his wrists.

“hey,” he whispers back. they stand there, his hands on his face, for a few minutes as their breathing syncs up.  
then, peter closes his eyes and almost smiles. he feels flash kiss his forehead and a real, though small, smile comes out.  
“let’s get you sorted,” flash says. he guides peter, who is still moving shakily, to the bathroom. peter sits on the toilet lid, eyes firmly on flash as he moves around collecting the things he needs - cotton balls, disinfectant, soft bandages.  
he places them next to the sink and prepares the disinfectant. “this is gonna sting,” he looks at peter. “sorry.” peter just nods.  
when flash starts dabbing at his wrists, peter closes his eyes tightly and concentrates on his breathing. _1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3._

“almost done.” it feels like an eternity, or maybe a split second, has passed. he blinks and the bandages are wrapped neatly around both arms. he stares at the white for a second, then looks at flash.  
“thank you.” he wishes he could say more in those two words. flash seems to understand, because he smiles and holds peter’s face again, leaning forward to touch their foreheads together.  
they stand and go back to peter’s room, where flash finds a baggy sweater in his cupboard for him. as he manoeuvres his arms into the sleeves, he remembers something important.  
“shit,” he pulls his head through. flash is watching him with a very mixed expression, though mostly worried. “aunt may.”  
“shit,” flash echoes. “when will she be back?”  
“what time is it?”  
“5:19.”  
“about 10 minutes?” peter pulls the long sleeves over the bandages. how is he going to hide this? should he?  
“maybe you should tell her,” flash says softly, as if reading peter’s mind. peter frowns. he doesn’t want to worry her any more, but if he hides it she could notice and get worried anyway. flash takes his hand. another thing occurs to peter.  
“what about you? you need to get back home before anyone realises you’re gone.” flash smiles sadly.  
“father’s out cold, he will be until tomorrow morning. mom’s still with my nan upstate,” he gives peter a look. “if you want, i could…” he trails off, not wanting to invite himself or impose.  
“please stay,” peter holds his hands more tightly. flash smiles properly, making him do the same.  
“okay.”

peter picks his phone from the bed, one hand still in flash’s, and dials may’s number. she picks up on the third ring.  
 _hey, everything okay? did you remember something? i’m still in the vegetable aisle, i might be a bit longer, sorry!_  
“hey, uh, all good, yeah. is it okay if flash, um, stays for dinner? and the night?”  
a second; peter looks up at flash. _again?_ he swallows. “yeah, sorry.” _no, it’s okay, he can,_ he closes his eyes in relief. _i’m just worried about him. and you. both of you. did something happen? i thought you said he had to stay home tonight._  
peter reopens his eyes and sends a meaningful look flash’s way. flash nods supportively and gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. he exhales through his nose.  
“um. something did happen, i’ll tell you when you get back?” he can feel aunt may’s anxiety through the connection, and rushes to comfort her. “i’m okay now, though, don’t worry.”  
 _is it why flash is there? and staying?_ “yeah.” _okay baby, i’ll get enough for him too. does he like raw onions in his salad?_ “no, that’s just you,” he snorts a laugh. flash raises an eyebrow. _hey, i can try! i’ll be back in 20, remember the ground rules._ “yes, we know,” peter rolls his eyes, and his boyfriend smiles. another step towards normal. _i know you know, but i have to say! get the water for the rice ready. love you!_ “love you too.” _bye!_ “bye, may.”

“all good?” flash asks as peter puts the phone down.  
“yep,” he smiles, wrapping both arms around flash’s waist. “you can stay over, and for dinner we’re having chicken, rice, and salad. no raw onions.” flash laughs, then kisses peter gently, though he pushes forwards when flash pulls away. peter pouts.  
“nope,” flash says, moving out of his embrace and towards the kitchen. “remember the ground rules?”  
“oh, come on, gene!” peter mock-complains, following him. “she’s not gonna be back for another 20 minutes!”  
“and we’ve got water to put on, right?” he guesses. his boyfriend rolls his eyes and dramatically slumps over the table. “alright, fine, come here.” flash gives in way too easily. but who wouldn’t, for peter? for that blinding smile when he jumps up and snakes his hands around the back of flash’s neck, pulling him in close, kissing him gently, hesitantly. for the questioning look, _is this okay?_ , until eugene kisses back with just as much emotion and slides his hands towards peter’s waist, making him smile into the kiss.

and yes, later they will have to talk to may, explain what happened. peter will hopefully say what triggered it, with flash holding his hand.  
and it will be difficult.  
but it will be okay, because peter is strong.  
and eugene loves him for it.

but for now, he pushes peter against the table, enjoying the sound he makes in response.

it will all be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed this sad mess of a coping mechanism :) hope ur all well during these tough times <3


End file.
